When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
U talkin 2 me?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten