Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
You Might Also Like
What a chick magnet..
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
nature’s most graceful animal
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer