Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
You Might Also Like
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
New Tinder profile.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced