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Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Oops I deleted….
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.