Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
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So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.