Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
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I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did