Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
You Might Also Like
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
some Old Testament wisdom
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.