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In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.