As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
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My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Danger is very dangerous
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Every work meeting this week
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”