[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I need to get some bricks…
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”