i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.