*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano