PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
You Might Also Like
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?