I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.