ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
synchronized noseblowing
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.