Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
You Might Also Like
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?