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Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”