adding to the discourse
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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day