Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
They’re called werewolves.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.