Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
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yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.