Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Best spot.. 😅
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Oh my god
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”