Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
bias laundering edition
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.