Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
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My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
the last thing a carrot sees
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Cashiers are always checking me out
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture