Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me