Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me too 😆
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off