{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut