this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting