OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
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This makes total sense…
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?