Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.