I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
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Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
This forever.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!