“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Stonehinge
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
🖤✌🏽
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens