Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
You Might Also Like
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”