You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
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Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?