I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
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I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.