I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.