Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right