the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
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Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
(2022)
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine