When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
You Might Also Like
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Erm I’m gonna say no
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
hackers play passwordle
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now