[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
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Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house