Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
You Might Also Like
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?