How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
me when i see my girls butt
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
それは草
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.