[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
You Might Also Like
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.