*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*