When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.