If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
True statement👍😏😁
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis