carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
i’m sure it’s fine
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.