Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
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Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Breaking news:
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I laughed at this way too hard.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE