Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
me doing my best
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?