Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies