When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
$3 #books
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero